Left of field

IS it just me or have people noticed the (Jaws music please) the New Year’s Resolution walkers!?

Run for your lives, they are taking up our streets, roads, footpaths and even parks, they are everywhere, don’t feed after dark or add water.

Yes folks these are the people that you never see all year round, they are like hermit crabs all year and then suddenly……

The one thing I also notice is all the different types of walkers out there. 

Mixed Matched walker – The mixed match walker is a person who has never bought fitness gear in their life and it appears that they have replaced an engine block prior to the walk.

The determined walker – This is a person that has the look of pain on their face, like they are passing a large object, however they’re walking slower than a snail. There’s a lot of arm pumping going on but not much distance happening.

The I don’t give a rat’s bum walker – This is a walker that proceeds to kick every stone up along the path and meander like they are heading to work or something.

The sweaty walker – This is a walker that looks like they have swum 10 laps and then jumped out of the pool for the evening walk. The sweat beads are pouring out and the t-shirt looks like the last scene of Rocky when he is yelling out for his wife, Adrian!

The male bum crack walker – This is a walker that feels the need to wear shorts with no elastic. Their pants are constantly sliding down and they are presenting a crack bigger than a plumber’s.

The Harry High Pants – This is a walker who wears their shorts so high it looks like they need an operation to get them off.

Colour co-ordinated walker – Thank God for these ladies, with matching shoes, socks, tops and of course the Lycra pants, with, yes folks, the matching thin colour stripe down the side of the pants. (I hear the angels sing).

Supermodel walker – This is a walker who attends the beautician to have their hair and make-up done simply for their daily walks. These people don’t care if they are getting fit as long as they get 20 thousand car horns beep, they’re  happy.

Now I know you’re asking what has all of this crap got to do with security, but alas my dear readers it has a lot, because I am going to give you walking security tips. So just keep ya knickers on!

Firstly, tell people where you are walking, so when you are not back in 48 hours they know where to come looking. They can also cash in on your life insurance as well.

Secondly, we know how much you love Dolly Parton, but having her screaming at 70 thousand decibels in ear phones is not really good, considering you won’t hear anything or anyone around you.

Thirdly, walk in groups, so society not only has to put up with one of you on the street but 15. (Yippee)

Fourthly, don’t keep checking facebook. Taking selfies on every street corner is not really needed, because to be quite frank we don’t really care that you have decided to walk for two weeks only into the New Year, and it also takes your attention  away from what you are actually doing.

So there you have it the NYRW (New Year’s Resolution Walker) not for the faint-hearted folks, this is a trend that you must approach with fear and caution as it only happens at 12.01 on the 01/01 of the New Year – miss the boat and you have to wait another 12 months!